From The Guest Room 1531

SOMEWHERE IN PENNSYLVANIA
September 13, 2001

From the Guest Room 1531

Today is September 13, 2001 at about 8:00 PM. It is about 59 hours since terrorists attacked New York and Washington DC. I’m on an Amtrak trains somewhere in western Pennsylvania in the middle of two disasters. Everyone is quiet, talking on cell phones, reading trashy novels but all the events are never far away. Word of the latest is coming in through the cell phones and people are reading the papers from the last 2 days. We are some of the few escaping Manhattan at this point and some of the first to be able to say “I was there” to the rest of the country. New York is already getting back in some ways to a jittery sense of normal. At 5 PM, I saw a plane way up in the sky for the first time in a couple of days. According to my friend Andrew in Pittsburgh, planes are starting to take off from there. This is all good – the world is turning again.

So this is what happened. Our meeting was supposed to start at 9:00 AM on Tuesday morning. I was running late – I had to finish my presentation that I was supposed to be doing early in the agenda. I had planned to do it the afternoon before but had enough problems getting a modem line that I switched rooms at the hotel. I did do some work but them went out to dinner with my friend Andrea. It was a very oppressive evening – line after line of thunderstorms were passing through the area. Andrea was drenched when she arrived at the hotel. We went to a restaurant across the street. When I got back from dinner, I finished working on one document I had to get out that night and decide to get up early and do my presentation then.

So I was running late. My plan was to get out the door no later than 8:45. I was only going to our office at 1633 Broadway just a few blocks away so that would give me just enough time. Had I only know how crucial that same plan would have been for so many others. Just get out by 8:45 AM. I walked over to the building, Paramount Plaza and found the conference room. I was setting up my laptop, getting breakfast, saying hello to the other people. And then someone came in and said a plane has hit the World Trade Center. It was a horrible thought and kind of surprising – how did some crazy pilot happen to be flying so low? We all assumed it was as small private plane, an accident probably. Weird, sad but small in a way. I’d have to watch the news tonight to find out what happened. But no, that wasn’t the whole story – it was a large commercial jet.

What could have gone so wrong for that to have happened? And “look” we were told – we could see that the tower was on fire from the window in the conference room. It was actually hard to see at first – what exactly does a skyscraper on fire from a plane crash look like? We pointed, directed others “See? Over behind those buildings? Where the smoke is? You can only see ¾ of one tower…”. And there it was. And then it became real. But not really real. Overwhelmingly impossibly real. Over there separated from us by glass, air, and glass was chaos. Twenty floors maybe of mayhem. And we were absolutely quiet and petrified. So close together but vastly different situations. It was stunning – too much to even imagine.

The next hour is a blur. We started the meeting, played a little ice breaker game. Heard the rules about no cell phones, no email, no distractions. And yet there was a distraction far bigger than a beeping cell phone. There was a tower on fire, people were dying, a huge billow of smoke stretching to the left. It marred the cloudless blue sky – so much more refreshing it had seemed outside after the oppressive heat and humidity from the night before. So sunny and peaceful after the booming storms. Last night this kind of cloud and noise and panic and darkness would have fit better. It just didn’t belong over the skyline of lower Manhattan on a day like this fresh and bright and cheery one.

I started my presentation – facing the window. It was hard to focus on presenting and not look at the cloud of smoke. It was wrong to do this presentation and yet what else could we do? And it was really too much to deal with – it could have been our building – we could be in the midst of that. Too big to comprehend so we did the things that seemed most comfortable – carry on with our routine. By the end of the presentation, only 15 minutes or so, the news was much worse. Somehow, there were many planes crashing into buildings like the Pentagon, the State Department, and the other World Trade Center tower. Planes were still up in the air – which ones were also on a course to hit a building? What was even happening? Was this a dream? A hoax?

But there was the tower raging with smoke extending down further and further to the lower floors. Some one said that were people on the roof but how would that be possible with all the smoke and the heat? There were TVs we were told tuned into CNN. People with pass cards to get to the other floors were leading others to the TVs. I went down the hall to the other side of the building and stared at the TV but it didn’t register. What they were showing was both towers in flames – we hadn’t seen the other tower hidden by buildings – and they showed the second plane hitting over and over. Things started clicking into place – people who were nearest the window when we first heard saw the plane veering strangely. It made sense now except how could any of this make sense at all. But at least there was context to what we had all observed. Very shaky context: hijacking, not an accident at all. They switched to the Pentagon on TV – another cloud of black smoke. But who could deal with the Pentagon when it was hard enough to understand what was happening outside the window?

I went back to the conference room. They were saying that the other tower of the World Trade Center had collapsed. That was impossible – 110 story towers do not collapse. But as I got back to the conference room the other tower went down. When I looked, there was just a column of smoke in the shape of a building and then it slowly blew away and there was nothing. It was just gone, gone, completely gone. One of the tallest buildings in the world gone. All the people gone. Just like that: gone.

Confusion was erupting in the office. First what about our people in the World Financial Center just across the block from the World Trade Center? What was happening with them? How did the buildings fall – did they topple over like a stack of blocks? How could anyone possibly survive but how could so many people die at once?

And then everyone was on the phones: cell and line. Did the cells work? The transmitter was on top of the building that’s newly vanished. Were the circuits busy? Who to call? Craig just started his job – I didn’t have his number. How would I reach him? And surely surely people would have gotten word of what was going on. This was too big not to spread like wildfire to all the corners of the country. And then the emails started. One from John Callahan: are you there? Are you OK? Are you safe, where are you? Do you even still exist, please please call or respond. And the messages started going out: yes we are in the 1633, not World Financial – it’s all OK. I tried to call Craig – I called information, got the US Bancorp number. What department is he in, which building? I found the right number and got the right building but they couldn’t reach him and there was no paging. Try back later. So I tried back in a few minutes – he’s on the line with a customer try back later. Each time it was try back later. Finally I called and said it was a personal call and I was in New York. Everything changed – they tracked down a manager who took a message. I’m OK it’s not happening here. I’m safe and OK for now. But I knew that it could all change so quickly. Nothing would be surprising anymore.

Over

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK
September 11, 2001

It is over. We sit, stunned in our chairs in the conference room, where an hour and a half earlier we’d been gathering for our meeting. Two towers before. Four planes before. The Pentagon before. We try to see the pattern in the laminate of the tables. We try to comprehend the purpose of breathing. We try to remember how our throats hum with voice and how our mouths carve words, and can’t.

There used to be a building here. Where the thin strip of sky now shows, between the large tower on the left and the smaller square one in the distance, there used to be a skyscraper. The sky is still the same cloudless blue but the building is gone. We looked, it was there; we blinked, it was gone. The whole building, a skyscraper. There used to be a building here.

There used to be.

A building.

Here.

In the hour after the towers collapse, a stream of people look out at this view over and over again as if the building will reappear as suddenly as it vanished. In a daze, they dial their cell phones, realize they can't get through because the transmitter at the top of the north tower is gone, stare at the land line phones, dial the cell phone again and look to see if the tower has reappeared.

Silently.

Over and over again.

9:06 AM

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK
September 11, 2001

I hope no one’s dead is what I think when we are told of the plane hitting the building. And I don’t go to the window right away because of course there is someone dead and I just don’t want to see that, I want to give them time to die alone without the gawking. So I watch the backs of the people who look out and how their bodies stiffen and hands fly to mouths, and I know this is bad and something I should see, to witness because it is so bad. And so I look too, not knowing what I’ll find. And I can’t even picture what to look for because what would it look like exactly, a plane hitting a bulding. And I just don’t see it at first, I just don’t look in the right spot, and I wonder now if I did see, and yet looked away because it didn’t register what was happening, like my whole left eye was turned off and all I could see was the right side of the world, and that was normal and OK and safe.

And then I see it. A huge hole, huge, floors and floors and I’m not going to throw up not here in this conference room and yet I want to puke, endlessly retch; I’ve swallowed what I’ve seen and it’s killing me and has to come out, oh I want to barf, I want to heave and convulse. I want to fall onto the floor and bang my head to get this picture out. But I don’t. I look and look and look. I’m fastened to the floor. They are trying for the roof, they are jumping out the windows, and now I want to see my bones, bite my fingers until the skin is gone; I want a rock to smash my feet. They won’t escape, they are doomed, and I want razors to slice deep gashes in my back. Where is my blood? It’s stuck inside and theirs is running out. Their carpets are red and squish. And ours is still pristine.

Break the windows, break the windows, give them air in the smoke. I make my hands like fists to break the windows in front of me to give them air, to pull them close. I want jagged glass and my blood on their charring faces, my slashed arms stretching like a rope to safety. I am haunted by their eyes. I want to peel off my skin; it’s a barrier and I can’t get to their eyes. There are too many molecules of air, and they are in my way. I have to touch their eyes. We can see each other and we can never ever touch. I want to claw until my nails tear off, I want my heart to stop. I have to have them with me and I’m stopped by glass and air. Transparent and invisible, and I am in a cage. I want to pull my hair and rip out chunks of my scalp. I want these people, I want them, want them, want them. And then I think to pray.

The Start

UNITED STATES
September 2001

A few days before

From Minneapolis to New York
Sent: Fri, 7 Sep 2001 18:48:45
I'm coming to NY for a meeting on Tuesday and Wednesday

From New York to Minneapolis
Received Sat 9/8/2001 11:03 AM
Can't wait to see you on Monday … we can just chill out and relax...and eat blueberries


Tuesday

From Dallas to New York
Received: Tuesday, September 11, 2001 10:39 AM
Subject: Please
Would like to hear from you ASAP

From New York to Dallas
Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2001 11:02 AM
Subject: RE: Please
We could see the towers burning -- some people saw the 2nd collapse.

From New York to entire company
Received: Tuesday, September 11, 2001 11:28 AM
By now you have heard of the terrorist attacks and terrible tragedies in New York and Washington. Our primary goal is to account for the well being of all our people. We are in the process of doing this.

From New York to Manhattan and Pittsburgh
Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2001 12:35 PM
Subject: I'm OK, are you?
I just tried calling you guys but couldn't get through.

From New York to Queens
Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2001 4:19 PM
I just happened to be in NY today for a meeting… are you and people you know OK?

From Pittsburgh to New York
Received: Tuesday, September 11, 2001 4:25 PM
We're okay. The plane that went down here was in Somerset County about 80 miles SW of Pittsburgh. The local channels have shown the impact point...and there is nothing left of it...just a crater. We are having a lot of military air traffic here. Fighter planes flying over to the east and a whole bunch of military transport planes landing and taking off.
Forwarded from Washington to Pittsburgh
Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2001 11:16 AM
I drove by the Pentagon this morning to get to work before the explosion. I was in the section that was hit 2 weeks ago gathering some data. Everyone here is walking around in a daze. They have CNN playing in the auditorium. Lots of people have friends/family who work in Manhattan. People are walking around with cell phones, trying to call their loved ones.


Wednesday

From New York to company headquarters
Sent: Wednesday, September 12, 2001 1:44 AM
To: WTC@ company_name
Subject: people from taxonomy meeting 1633 Broadway
This may have already been reported but attending our meeting today and accounted for are: …

From New York to Minneapolis
Sent: Wednesday, September 12, 2001 2:09 AM
Subject: NY terrorist attacks
Just wanted to ask you to double your efforts at prayers on this and the other attacks today. It's just unbelievably horrible. Our conference room had a clear view of the first tower that was hit and burning. And then it was just gone. We have no word yet on what's happened to our colleagues. One of our colleagues was in a meeting down there -- he was saying people were jumping out of the buildings or perhaps falling. He thought the buildings melted from the heat.

From New York to entire company
Received: Wednesday, September 12, 2001 8:04 AM
Subject: Disaster Recovery Plan
In light of the unfolding situation in New York, our World Financial Center PBX and voicemail will be out of service for an unknown amount of time.

From Philadelphia to New York
Received: Wednesday, September 12, 2001 8:19 AM
We are thinking about you and hoping you are safe and okay under the circumstances. I hope and pray that you get home soon.

From Minneapolis to New York
Received: Wednesday, September 12, 2001 8:53 AM
Subject: Re: NY terrorist attacks
Lots of prayers are indeed being said - you can be sure of that.

From New York to Philadelphia
Sent: Wednesday, September 12, 2001 9:35 AM
NY was very errie -- completely quiet, no traffic, just people walking quietly. When we were walking back last night to my hotel, we passed a man, probably a national guard guy, coming from helping out down there. All covered with ash, carrying an airmask. The smell of smoke coming off his clothes was horrible.

From New York to Dallas
Sent: Wednesday, September 12, 2001 9:43 AM
I've got a couple of possibilities for getting home: Amtrak to Minneapolis via Chicago, perhaps a ride to Chicago. I'll keep you posted.

From New York to Entire Company
Recieved: Wednesday, September 12, 2001 10:07 AM
An update on our overnight activities to contact our people who are assigned to our New York and Washington locations or who were working on projects in these cities on Tuesday morning. Through Wednesday morning, we have been able to locate and verify the well being of the vast majority of our people.

From Minneapolis to New York
Recieved: Wednesday, September 12, 2001 10:20 AM
Subject: Re: NY terrorist attacks
It sounds like quite an experience you've had. Everyone is shocked, of course, but to be so close to the event must really make you think. We are having a prayer service here tonight and we'll be saying a prayer for you and your safe travel.

From Queens to New York
Received: Wed, 12 Sep 2001 06:23:29
It’s so good to hear from you. We are so happy to hear that you are safe! I can't believe that you're here in NYC! We are all in shell shock… Her cousin was in Fairfax, VA for training. His area at the Pentagon was destroyed and his boss and co-worker are missing.

From New York to entire company
Recieved: Wednesday, September 12, 2001 7:29 PM
Subject: Wednesday Evening U.S. Tragedy Update
On Wednesday evening, after approximately 36 hours, we have been unable to contact only a few of our people. We will continue our efforts to locate these remaining individuals throughout the night. We believe we will complete the contact process soon.


Thursday

From Minneapolis to Minneapolis office
Received: Thursday, September 13, 2001 6:50 AM
Subject: Air travel update
Last night, the FAA resumed management of our skies from the military (with restrictions). Commercial flights today (Thursday) will be very limited. The FAAs first priorities will be returning aircraft to American airports (from overseas and NA) as well as unsnarling airline operations (moving people and equipment to places where airline operations can resume). These priorities will likely consume any available capacity in the air traffic system for today.

From New York to New York via Dallas
Received: Thursday, September 13, 2001 9:50 AM
All of you know [her] and I thought you would want to know that she is OK.
Sent: Wednesday, September 12, 2001 8:40 PM
There are 2,000 friends of Cantor employees here and we will be here praying for the next few days. I have lost friends. I have friends who have lost parents and children.

From New York to entire department
Sent: Thursday, September 13, 2001 11:04 AM
Subject: FW: update on NY
There is no way escaping from what happened. Just when you forget for a moment, there it is again. While checking out of the hotel this morning, these 2 guys… asked for a number of rooms for their colleagues coming in. They said they were from AT&T Wireless working at ground zero. And sure enough, even though they were showered and shaved, their boots were coated with ash. We passed a fire station …there was a huge pile of flowers in front and candles. As close as I am to this it's still not even close to what these people see. I'm just in awe of them. Last night, the wind had shifted and everytime you'd go around a corner, the smell would filter up -- it's a mixture of dust, soot, burned plastic. People are sneezing and coughing even though you can't see anything in the air. Last night, even the elevators in the hotel smelled of this.